


Wasted Years

by maniclust



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bathroom Sex, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Kissing, Escape, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Fights, First Time, Jealousy, M/M, Male Slash, Oral Sex, Sexual Content, Sibling Acceptance, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Incest, Slash, Stag Nights & Bachelor Parties, physical altercation, timing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-08 16:18:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15247113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maniclust/pseuds/maniclust
Summary: Circumstances bring Taylor and Zac together. Will they stay together? What could go wrong? How long is too long to wait for something you've wanted your entire life?This is a short three part AU series where neither Zac nor Taylor are married or famous. It was written as a gift for a good friend and inspired by three songs. Enjoy!





	1. Photobooth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [starseed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starseed/gifts).



>  
> 
>  
> 
> [”You took the wheel and you steered us into my bed. Soon we woke and I walked you home, and it was pretty clear that it was hardly love.”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-oSxZb2OVg)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> *This is from Zac's POV and inspired by Death Cab for Cutie's _Photobooth_.

My head felt heavy as my eyes blinked open, everything a fuzzy haze around me. The taste of alcohol was still thick on my tongue even though everything else about my mouth was dry. Throat scratchy, lips chapped, and an extreme thirst taking over my senses. 

Bits and pieces of the night before started to come back to me and I immediately vowed to never drink again. I rarely did in the first place and this was why. Notorious for being unable to hold my liquor, I regretted every drop that I had swallowed. I had surely given everyone at the wedding blackmail against me for the rest of my natural born life. 

An insistent bladder caused me to shift, tossing the covers off my body and alerting me to the fact that I was naked. Considering I didn’t even remember how I got back home, it wasn’t shocking that I didn’t remember taking my clothes off nor even getting into bed. 

“Stop,” a voice came from beside me. “It’s too warm for all those blankets. I hope you have coffee. And bacon. I could use some bacon.”

Snapping my head around, I lifted the blankets up to confirm that my suspicions were correct. Taylor was in my bed. Taylor was naked. Taylor was in my bed and naked. Suddenly, it all started to come back to me and I fell back against the bed, head spinning and bile rising up in my throat.

*****

I hated weddings.

It seemed like a perfectly good waste of money to throw a huge party with expensive clothes, expensive food, and well, expensive everything. I didn’t even want to know how much the chair cover I was sitting on cost. Nor what my friends had paid to supply their guests with an open bar. It was as if they knew that bribing people with alcohol was the only surefire way to get anyone to attend.

Thankfully, the steady supply of alcohol that I had consumed made everything seem tolerable. Even the group of people line dancing right in front of me weren’t annoying. That alone should have been a red flag that I’d consumed too much and needed to go home. Instead, it sent me right back to the bar when my glass was empty so that I could have a refill.

“Zac!”

I turned when I heard my name and saw my older brother barrelling toward me with a goofy grin on his face. His cheeks were flushed and if I didn’t know any better, I would have thought he had been part of the line dancing crowd. However, it didn’t take much to turn his cheeks red so it could have simply been from the exertion of calling out my name. 

“Have you been in the photobooth yet?” he asked, an excitement dancing in his eyes.

“You know I think those things are stupid,” I responded, taking a drink of my rum and coke. 

“It’s the guest book, though. You have to get your picture taken. They then split it into strips and you get to keep one while the other goes to the bride and groom. I think that’s such an awesome idea. Come on. Since you are my date, we have to go in together,” he chirped, taking my hand to drag me across the room.

“Taylor,” I whined softly.

It was bad enough that he was dragging me to get my picture taken, but he had to go and remind me that I had been unable to find a lady to bring with me tonight, leaving me with him as my accompaniment. Even though the friends were mine and not his, he had agreed to fulfill my plus one obligation so that I wasn’t a sad sack there alone. Though, taking your brother to a wedding still somewhat qualified as sad sack status. 

Taylor was the kind of person that made friends wherever he went. Attending a wedding where he barely knew the bride and groom was not at all an issue for him. He had somehow still found a way to have fun. Now, he was attempting to include me in that fun. 

“I never know what to do in these things. The poses are always so stupid,” I complained, watching as he secured the curtain and sat down beside me excitedly. 

“Look, here are some suggested poses,” he pointed out, looking at the screen in front of us as it flashed the instructions. 

“Taylor, those poses are for couples. Look, those two are kissing!” I leaned forward to touch my hand against the photo to make him see it, not realizing that touching the screen actually meant that it was going to start counting down to take our photos.

I was just about to get up and leave the booth when he placed his hand on my cheek and pulled me into him. As the flash of light went off, the only thing I was aware of in that moment was the fact that Taylor’s lips were against mine. 

His lips were softer than I expected them to be and I detected the faint taste of champagne. When his tongue requested access to my mouth I was helpless to resist. The sweetness of wedding cake was rich on his tongue, making me moan and lean into him more. I forgot in that moment that it was Taylor I was kissing and instead just lost myself in the fact that he was excellent with his tongue. 

When we parted his cheeks were even more flushed and he slipped from the booth, leaving me there stunned. Moments later, though, he leaned back in to grab me, shoving the strip of photos in his pocket at the same time. 

"I want more," he murmured, leading me by the hand to the bathroom where he shoved me into a stall with a determination that left me breathless. 

It took mere seconds for his tongue to find its way back into my mouth, drawing a deep groan from me as I once again tasted him. The alcohol clouded my brain enough that the arousal rising up in the pit of my stomach easily took over and I became a man possessed. 

Pinning him against the stall, I took control of the situation. I took control of him. Our hips moved together, my erection rubbing against his in a way that left me aching for release. When he dropped to his knees in front of me, taking me into his mouth I nearly lost it. I didn't care who he was or how we were related in that moment. All I cared about was the way he was making me feel. 

"Taylor, fuck, you're so good at that," I groaned. 

His tongue slid against my shaft as he shushed me. "Shh, someone will hear you."

"I don't care."

"You will if we get caught," he murmured, taking me back into his throat once more. 

The bathroom door opened and I held my breath, suddenly understanding why Taylor wanted me to be quiet. He was making it very difficult though considering he didn't let up on his movements.

Using his hair, I pulled him off of me because there was no way that I was going to be able to be quiet when he was sucking me with everything he had to offer. 

Staring down at him, I watched as he licked his lips, not taking his eyes from me as he stood up, hand wrapped around my length. 

"Zac," he whispered against my ear. "I want you to fuck me. I've wanted you for years. Please."

My mind was swimming. I had no idea where this was coming from. One minute I had been sitting by myself drinking rum and the next I was in a bathroom stall with Taylor telling me he wanted me to fuck him. The way he was still stroking me was making it nearly impossible to say no. 

I studied his face, able to see that desire there as his eyes were pleading. There must have been a look of confusion on my face because he tried to offer an explanation. 

"You look so gorgeous tonight. Everything about you. I've tried ignoring the way I feel, but when you were talking about kissing I had to. I couldn't hold back any longer."

There was a desperation in his voice that I had never heard from him before and I found myself giving a soft nod. Suddenly, he broke out into a wide smile and started to leave the stall. That was apparently all the affirmation he needed. 

"Tay, wait!"

"I will meet you at the car," he said, winking at me before the door closed behind him. 

The next half hour flew by in a blur. I didn't even say goodbye to the bride and groom. I barely even had my seat belt fastened before Taylor was driving my car back to my apartment. 

I was fairly sure I drifted in and out of consciousness a few times until Taylor was whispering against my ear that we were home. The moment we were behind the closed door of my apartment he was on me once again and I was suddenly wide awake. 

Clothes became a tangled mess on the floor as we tore at one another. I had never taken the time to really look at Taylor, but once he was naked in front of me I couldn't look away. He was gorgeous and I wanted him. I really, really wanted him. 

We had to improvise with saliva and lotion, but it wasn't long at all before I was inside of him for the first time. Our moans echoed off the wall of my small bedroom, his nails digging into my shoulders as he whimpered my name. I wasn't sure how often he did this or if he was even fully prepared for it, but on my end I was unable to hold back. The tight confines of his body felt too good to attempt going slow. 

Rocking together with a joint desperation, neither one of us let up until we were crying out in near unison. I released inside of him shortly after I felt the wet heat of his semen splashing against my stomach, the sound of my name echoing off the walls as he arched against me in ecstasy. 

"Goddamn, Taylor," I panted against his shoulder. 

"I've wanted that for so long. Shit," he murmured. 

We shared a lazy kiss, tongues slowly moving together as his hands moved up through my hair. I found myself drawn to him desperately, not wanting to let go. The smell of our sex flooding my senses and the taste of him on my lips. I didn't even care about the come all over my skin. 

He looked even more gorgeous post-orgasm and I found it difficult to look away from the happiness reflected in his eyes. I struggled to remember the moment, not wanting my drunkeness to steal it away. I was notorious for blacking out when I drank and I did not want to forget his face. 

He kept his arms wrapped tightly around me as I shifted to lay beside him, curling up against my pillow. Soft kisses were placed against my face as the alcohol and post-orgasmic bliss quickly drew me to sleep. The last thing I remembered before I was out was the soft sound of his voice against my ear. 

"Thank you, Zac. Thank you. I'm in love with you. I love you so much."

*****

Reopening my eyes, I focused on the sight of Taylor walking across the bedroom naked to slip into the bathroom. He didn’t shut the door as he relieved himself, obviously extremely comfortable where he was. 

“Do you want me to make some breakfast?” he asked as he re-emerged, drying his hands on a towel as he looked at me, still unphased by his own nudity while I was struggling to cover mine.

“Tay… I… I was drunk. We shouldn’t have...”

The serene look on his face suddenly clouded over as he looked at me, the realization crossing his face. I had to look away from the pain that I saw in his eyes as he looked at me. I didn’t want to see it. I wanted him to be just as apprehensive as I was. Wanted him to be the one telling me that he was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing. Instead, I was met with his disappointment.

Suddenly, I wanted him to look at me again like he had last night just before I had fallen asleep. I wanted that exact moment in time back, but the visual in my head was too hazy. My memory was failing me and all I could see was the Taylor standing in front if me. 

Do something. I shouted inside of my head. You can have it back if you just open your mouth. But I was frozen. Speechless at the worst possible time. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he mumbled, moving to untangle his clothes from mine on the floor and pull them on. “I need a ride home. I drove your car here last night.”

“You drove?” I asked, having forgotten that detail and assumed that he had been just as drunk as I was even if he didn’t seem hungover at all.

“I wasn’t drunk, Zac. I barely had anything at all,” he said, finding his shirt and pulling it over his head. 

The weight of his words crashed over me like waves and my eyes once again closed, trying to will it all to go away. He hadn’t been drunk. He had been completely lucid. Everything he had said to me had been the truth. Taylor was in love with me and I’d slept with him. And now, I was hurting him. In an instant he had gone from looking happy to depressed. All because of me. I had fucked up. 

“I’ll be outside by the car.”

When he left the room, I took a moment to rub my hands over my face. It was clear that he didn’t want to talk about it. Quite frankly, I didn’t either. I wouldn’t know what to say that wouldn’t make it worse. Though, silence was probably not a good route either, but it was the path I chose.

Once I was dressed, I met him out by the car, watching as he flicked his half finished cigarette into the grass and got in. The ride was silent, his gaze directed out the window the entire time. As I pulled into his driveway, he undid his seatbelt and opened the door without a word. 

“Taylor… I’m sorry,” I said, reaching out to grab his arm, deciding silence really wasn’t the best option after all.

“Don’t,” he responded, yanking his arm away from me. “Just forget it ever happened, Zac. Don’t try to make it better. Just _forget_ everything I said and everything that happened. I don’t want to talk about it now or ever. Go home.”

And with that, he slammed the car door and walked inside without looking back over his shoulder. It was the last time we were alone together for more than a few minutes at a time for the next three years.


	2. 4 a.m.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [”If I don’t make it known that I’ve loved you all along just like sunny days that we ignore because we’re all dumb and jaded… and I hope to God I figure out what’s wrong.”]()
> 
> *This chapter is from Zac's POV and inspired by Our Lady Peace's _4 a.m._.

In the last three years, I had grown to hate all family holidays. Anything that meant having to share air with Taylor was not a pleasant situation for me. We used to be best friends. We used to be so close that we would arrive at and leave family functions together because trying to get through it alone was not an option.

We had been a united force against the annoyance of relatives we only saw once a year poking and prodding at us, asking when we were going to settle down with nice girls and have babies. Everyone had expected us to keep close and no one thought anything of it.

When our closeness had dissolved the questions about settling down were then peppered with concern about the rift everyone could see between the two of us. Every single one of our immediate family members had tried to repair something they had no idea about. If only they knew that our friendship had ended the moment our relationship turned sexual I’m quite sure they wouldn’t be trying so hard to force us back together.

This year, though, not a single person asked me about Taylor. In fact, hardly anyone at all even spoke to me. Why would they when there was a circus going on in the living room all centered around the large diamond sitting on his girlfriend’s finger? I had given him a fake smile, congratulating him and only barely managing to give her a hug when she made rounds through the room.

Taylor was getting married. He was getting married and I wanted to vomit. And when he pulled his future bride into the dark room where I was trying to hide, pressing her against the wall to kiss her deeply, I did. 

Bolting from the room, I took the stairs two at a time to get to the bathroom in our parent’s room, slamming the door behind me and emptying my stomach of everything I’d consumed at the table earlier. 

After I rinsed my mouth, I let my body sink down onto the cold tile floor, the tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. I didn’t want to think about why I was so affected by the idea of him getting married. Acknowledging the fact that I’d hated her from the moment he’d first introduced her at Christmas was easy. However, acknowledging the why was the hard part. 

Taylor had always been an extremely affectionate person. It didn’t matter if he was in a room full of family members--if he wanted a kiss he was going to take one. For three years, I’d been forced to watch him place loving kisses on her face, whisper in her ear, and sit down at the piano to sing songs for her while she gazed at him adoringly. And then today, to watch him stand up in front of the entire family to declare his love for her, bowing on one knee as everyone watched in glee--well that was too much. 

He was so _open_ with the way he felt about her. Telling anyone that dared to listen how amazing she was. How perfect for him she was and how he’d never thought he’d find someone that fit him so well. That he’d never thought being in love could feel so good.

His eyes had swept over my face as he said it and I wanted to lunge across the table and stab him with my knife. Instead, I had settled for giving him a sweet smile that he had to know was the complete opposite of genuine.

What had I gotten? I’d gotten a declaration against my ear when I was drunk. He had waited until I was completely wasted to tell me how he felt about me. Only once had he ever looked at me the way he constantly looked at her and I couldn’t even remember it because I was too fucked up at the time.

I hated him. I hated him for throwing it at me when I wasn’t coherent enough to process it. For putting the entire blame on me when his timing couldn’t have been worse. _He_ was the one that refused to speak to me afterward. The one that acted like I had committed some ultimate sin against him. He couldn’t even acknowledge that he’d put me on the spot in the worst way without giving me the slightest bit of opportunity to process what was happening. 

The bathroom door opening pulled me from my thoughts, the bile once more rising up in my throat when I saw that he was the one standing there. I didn’t even bother to get up, looking away from him immediately.

“Go away.”

“I didn’t expect you to be happy for me, Zac. However, it would have been nice to enjoy the day without you throwing little hissy fits every time you were in a room with us,” he said. 

“I told you to fucking go away,” I spat at him.

“No, I’m not going away. We are going to settle this right here once and for all. I’m going to be expected to give you a spot as a groomsman at the wedding and I am not going to let you ruin that for me. You’ve already ruined enough.”

Pushing myself up from the tile, my jaw set as I looked at the way he was standing there, hands on his hips and looking every part of the diva he was. 

“I will save you the trouble. Don’t invite me to your wedding. I don’t want to be there. Put the blame on me the way that you always have. We both know that this,” I paused, motioning between us. “Is not all my fault.”

“Oh, it’s not? I gave you my heart, Zac,” he hissed, getting in my face. “I gave it to you and you threw it on the floor like it meant nothing to you. For years I gave you every single part of me and when I finally told you why, when I finally gave you the last bit of me you didn’t have yet - my body - you looked at me like I was disgusting. Pardon me if I’m not going to stick around after that.”

The anger was rising up in my throat as he spoke, building to a point where I was unable to contain it. Grabbing him, I slammed him against the bathroom door, trapping him there in the room with me. 

“I was _drunk_ , Taylor. You finally told me when I was so shitfaced you _knew_ I was going to forget. What happened? Were you planning on leaving afterward and hoping that I never did remember? Or did you actually think that when I woke up to find you naked in bed with me that I’d be okay with it?”

My words were harsh coming off my tongue, but I’d held them in for so long that it was time for them to truly come out. He needed to know what was going on in my head.

“For someone that was supposedly in love with me, you should have known that when I drink like that I black out. You DID know. But you still chose that moment. So forgive me if I didn’t know how to process it all. And then, you just completely up and leave me without a best friend. No one to talk to about what happened. You wouldn’t TALK to me. You never gave me a fucking chance. Not one.”

Releasing him, I backed away, turning on the water so that I could splash it against my face to try and calm myself down a little bit. I was trying to stave off the tears that were threatening to fall, but I couldn’t and when I looked at him again, I saw that I wasn’t the only one. The sight of tears streaking down his cheeks made me want to crumble to the ground.

“You never looked at me the way you look at her. You say that you gave me everything, but you didn’t, because you never gave me the opportunity to see what was in front of me. You hid it in the guise of brotherly love and friendship. Everything you throw in my face when you’re with her you never gave me. The kisses, the light touches, the whispers. I got nothing. Instead, you drug me straight into bed when I was too drunk to know what you were doing.”

“Look at photos of us. Go back. Look at them. I _did_ look at you that way. You just never looked back at me long enough to notice,” he whispered, his voice full of pain. “I made a mistake okay? I made a mistake in telling you that way because if I hadn’t I would still have you, but now I have nothing.”

Shaking my head I stopped him. “No, you have everything. You don’t need me, Taylor. After all, before her you never knew that being in love could feel so good. So, don’t pretend that you lost out in the end. Don’t play the victim with me when you’re not the one that sleeps alone every night.”

I didn’t wait for him to speak again. Throwing open the bathroom door, I ran down the stairs and out of the house without looking back.

*****

“Zaaaaac,” Isaac’s slurred voice came through the phone and made me wince. I didn’t have to be anywhere near him to know immediately that he was three sheets to the wind.

“Isaac, where the hell are you?”

“We’re in Vegas! Same as you, little brother. Taylor is getting MARRIED next weekend. We are here to mourn the loss of his life as he knows it. We are at the Venetian partying in the bar. You should come down! I miss your stupid ass!”

Instead of answering him, I merely hung up. It was nearly 4 a.m. and I had been peacefully sleeping in my Las Vegas apartment, worlds away from the troubles that I had moved to leave behind. I’d left Tulsa to escape once and for all, hoping to find a new life in Sin City. Then suddenly one phone call made it all come rushing back in as though I’d never left. 

Vegas. Of course he would choose Vegas for his bachelor party. He was still finding little ways to shove his happiness in my face.

Things between Taylor and I had broken down even more after our fight. The ability to even be in the same room with one another had become too difficult and I’d just stopped going to family gatherings. If it had all ended with just the fight, it might have been okay, but it didn’t. He had to take it one step further. 

Sliding from bed, I moved to my closet and pulled down the fire safe I kept on the top shelf. It contained what most fire safes did across the country: copies of tax returns, my social security card, a copy of my birth certificate, title to my car, etc. It also held something that I wanted to forget existed, but at the same time never wanted to lose.

After unlocking the metal box, I dug to the bottom and pulled out the manila envelope with my name scrawled across the front of it. Pushing everything else to the side, I curled up against my pillow with it held to my chest and took a moment to center myself before I opened it. 

The first thing I saw when I finally emptied the contents onto the bed was the photobooth strip from the wedding. It had been cut in half and deep down I knew that he had the other still. I ran my finger softly over the images of us burned into the paper in black and white. Three photos of us kissing. The final one taken just when we had parted, showing us staring at each other with unmistakable looks of love on _both_ of our faces. 

Flipping the strip over, I read the words that he had left for me on the back. 

_You used to look at me the same way._

Scattered on my bedspread was all the photo evidence I needed to make me realize that it had been right there in front of my face the entire time. Photos of him looking at me. Ones of me looking at him. Pictures of me that I hadn’t even known he had taken when we were together. In every single one of the two of us, he was looking at me in a way that I had never seen him look at his future wife. In a way that I had been too stupid to see when we were actually close enough for him to be mine.

The heaviness was settling onto my chest, making it difficult to breathe and I knew that I couldn’t let him get married without saying something. I couldn’t let him leave Vegas without hearing the words I had yet to say aloud. It might not make a difference, but I didn’t care. 

I carefully placed the photos back in the envelope so that I could take it with me. I wanted him to see that I had it and I hadn’t gotten rid of the evidence. That it meant something to me. That he meant something to me.

Once I was dressed, I drove the distance to the Venetian and valet parked even though I knew it was going to cost more than I actually had. Trying to find somewhere to park would take too much time and I didn’t want to waste another moment. When I entered the bar, my eyes scanned and when I saw Isaac I lit up. 

“Ike!”

“Zaaaaaaaac!”

It amused me the way that he drug out my name every time he was inebriated and I realized then that I missed having him in my life. However, he wasn’t why I was there at all and when I looked around at the people he was with my shoulders fell when Taylor wasn’t among them.

“Where is Taylor?” I asked, trying to be casual about it. 

“He got all pissy when he heard me calling you and went up to his room. We tried to coax him back down, but he was angry that I called you so he had to go be a brat about it alone.”

A frown set on my face when I realized that knowing that Isaac had called me made him run away. Part of me wanted to turn and leave right then. To just go away and act like I had ignored the call. He didn’t want to see me. If he did he would have been there knowing I might show up.

“What room is he in?” I said, asking before I could stop the words from coming out.

Isaac rattled off the room number and then yelled after me when I immediately turned to head for the elevator bank I’d passed on my way to the bar.

“Don’t you dare go up there to start a fight, Zac!”

Ignoring him, I smacked the buttons for the elevator and when I was safely on my way up to Taylor’s floor, I pulled the photobooth pictures out once more, staring at them to remind myself of why I was there in the first place. 

It was the look on his face in the last picture that propelled me down the hallway until I stopped in front of the door, hesitating slightly before knocking.

When he opened the door, it was clear that he had been expecting me. He didn’t say anything but he was studying my face with an intensity that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. 

Holding up the manila envelope that I knew he recognized I let out a soft sigh, rubbing my thumb over the photo strip I still held in my hand before looking at him again. 

“When I got this it scared the hell out of me because I finally saw it. I saw it and I was finally ready to admit it, but it was too late. It’s too late. Things between us were already broken and beyond repair. You’re getting married. I wasted too many years living in denial and now it’s too late.”

“Zac,” he said softly, reaching out to take my hand in his and I didn’t stop him from touching me, but I did interrupt his words.

“I’m in love with you, Taylor. I have been all along. It took really losing you to realize it and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I never saw it and that my timing is horrible, but I can’t let you get married without saying it. Not even all of these years apart has made it go away. I still think of you every single fucking morning when I wake up. I probably always will. And I know you’re happy now and she is good for you, but I just needed to say it.”

When he didn’t speak, I just leaned in to place a soft kiss on his cheek before turning to leave. I had said what I needed to say and now maybe I could move on. It seemed impossible but I knew that I was going to have to try. 

“I’d give it all up for you.”

His voice made me stop and I turned around, once again meeting his eyes.

“Even after all these years, if you said you’d be with me I’d give it all up. Her. The only life I’ve ever known. I’d go anywhere and do anything if you said the word,” he said, his hands shaking visibly at his side. “I will _always_ need you and I’ve never stopped loving you.”

In that moment, he was looking at me the way that I had only seen in photographs. In the way I wished I could desperately remember from that night. The love that he held for me was reflected in his shining blue eyes. It was right there in front of me and I couldn’t look away. If you could live in someone’s gaze I wanted to. I wanted that feeling to wrap around my entire body and let me go. I wanted _him_ to wrap me up and never let me go.

“I need you too. I always have,” I finally whispered.

I wasn’t sure if that was the word that he had been wanting to hear but it was enough. Enough to send him flying down the hallway toward me, body crashing into mine as our lips met in a fevered kiss. 

As the hotel room door finally closed behind us I knew that life was never going to be the same again and I welcomed that knowledge. I was done running from everything I felt. It was time to start making up for the wasted years.


	3. Where the Streets Have No Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> [”We’re still building then burning down love, burning down love. And when I go there, I go there with you. It’s all I can do.”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FsrPEUt2Dg)
> 
>  
> 
> *This chapter is from Zac's POV and inspired by U2's _Where the Streets Have No Name_.

I would like to tell you that from the moment Taylor kissed me in the middle of the hallway at the Venetian in Las Vegas, everything fell into place for us perfectly. I would like to tell you that finally mutually admitting to being in love was all that we needed to find our way back to a life we didn’t know we were truly missing out on. I would also like to tell you that it is possible to catch the stars, kiss the moon, and snap your fingers to change the weather. However, I can’t because none of them are true.

Obstacles still stood in our way from that day forward. Taylor was supposed to be marrying his girlfriend of three years. We no longer lived in the same state. There were so many questions left to be answered. Wounds that needed to be opened so they could re-heal properly. Scars that would forever be a reminder. And of course, there was the not so small issue that we were brothers.

He’d left me behind in Las Vegas so that he could take care of things at home. I had protested, not wanting to be left here alone when I knew that he was going back there to do something difficult. Part of me was afraid that he wouldn’t go through with it. That I’d just not see him again as he chose instead to marry her. Not that I could have really blamed him if he had chosen that path. After all, it was the easy route. The path of least resistance. 

Five days of unreturned calls had me thinking the worst. Unable to get out of bed, I spent my days and nights drifting in and out of sleep, crying when I was awake, and hating myself for fucking things up so badly. It had all been too little, too late and he just didn’t know how to tell me. He was probably getting married in that very moment, pledging his life to someone he could be proud to be seen with at family functions. Not someone that would require him to hide his feelings from his entire family.

On the sixth day, I finally pulled myself out of bed so that I could shower. I had already burned through all of my personal time at work wallowing in my sadness and I knew that it was time to get on with my life. Time to move on. I’d done all that I could and I accepted that it was too late. In the end, as long as he was happy with his life I could find a way to be happy also. At least that’s what I was telling myself.

The sound of my phone ringing stopped me before I got in the shower, my chest constricting as I thought that it might finally be Taylor. Bolting from the bathroom, I lunged for the bed and snatched it from the nightstand, ripping the charger out of the wall in the process.

“Taylor?”

“No, it’s Isaac. I was… I was hoping that you knew where Taylor was. No one has heard from him in a week and well, I have no fucking clue where else he could be other than with you.”

My heart dropped once more upon hearing that I wasn’t the only one that hadn’t heard from Taylor. Vomiting suddenly sounded like the best possible option. 

“I haven’t heard from him either, Ike,” I said softly, the sadness echoing in my voice. 

“You don’t sound surprised or at all shocked that he’s gone,” Isaac said, still able to read me after all these years. 

“When he left Vegas he said he would be in touch with me and he hasn’t answered any of my calls. I just assumed it was only me he didn’t want to talk to, but I guess when you are going home to break off your engagement a week before your wedding you might want to just hide from everyone.”

I probably shouldn’t have told Isaac that I knew of Taylor’s plans. For all I knew, he hadn’t planned to go through with it, but the simple fact that no one had heard from him was enough for me to know that he had gone through with it and then disappeared. Disappeared to god knows where and doing god knows what. 

“You know, you two really need to get your fucking shit together, Zac. Both of you. Just running away to parts unknown because shit gets hard? It’s not the way to go about it,” he said, unleashing a stern older brother rant on me.

I sighed heavily, pressing my face into my pillow for a moment before taking a deep breath.

“It’s more complicated than just running away, Isaac. You wouldn’t understand.”

There was a heavy silence on the end of the phone and I pulled it away, making sure that we hadn’t been disconnected. Seeing that we still were, I said Isaac’s name a few times to see if he could hear me.

“Carissa called me after the wedding. She was freaking out and wasn’t sure what to do or who to turn to,” he finally said, his voice low.

“What?” I croaked out, swallowing back the bile again.

Yeah, I was definitely going to vomit. In five, four, three, two…

“They got digital copies of all of the photos taken in the photobooth so they could select what they wanted for a collage. I’ve seen the pictures, Zac. I confronted Taylor about it after I saw them and he made me promise to never tell you I knew.”

The eerie calmness of his voice was countered by the loud ringing in my ears. 

One.

Scrambling off the bed, I somehow managed to make it to the bathroom before I emptied my stomach. It seemed like the only time I ever threw up anymore was related to Taylor. The only thing that could affect me in this way. 

In the bedroom, I could hear my phone ringing over and over again. Our call must have disconnected and Isaac was once again trying to reach me. Probably wanting to tell me how disgusted with me he was and how he never wanted to see me again. 

At that point, I never wanted to see me again. I wanted to fade away and disappear. 

 

*****

 

The day Isaac had told me he was aware of what happened with Taylor and me in the photobooth at the wedding, I had predictably not made it to work. Being a no call no show meant that I was currently unemployed, though I couldn’t blame them for cutting me loose. It was Vegas after all. There was always someone new filtering in through town looking for a job as a pit stop to trying to become famous. That had never been my goal though. I had just wanted to get away and blend in.

I’d answered a job posting that I found on the internet for a photographer looking for someone to schlep equipment for her as she went around to different job sites. The position was in Phoenix and Arizona seemed as good a place as any to settle in now that I was ready to move on. 

The job didn’t pay much, but when I had spoken to her on the phone she said that her husband worked at a restaurant that was always looking for dishwashing or bus boy help. I should have gone to college. However, my inability to spell or string together a sentence on paper coherently put an end to those desires. Maybe someday I would find a passion that hooked me. A job I really cared about. Something to hold on to. To make me feel like me.

Since I had sold the majority of my stuff, packing didn’t take me long. I wanted to travel light and nothing that I had really meant much to me in the first place. About the only thing I truly considered to be a prized possession was in my fire safe and that was already tucked carefully in the back of the trunk of my car. 

I was loading the last of my boxes into my back seat when I heard my name from behind me. Turning, I sighed when I laid eyes on a familiar face. 

“I thought I told you that running away to parts unknown wasn’t the answer. This doesn’t look like getting your shit together to me.”

“Ike… if you’re here to yell at me you really wasted a trip. I get it if you hate me. I hate myself,” I explained, shutting my car door before leaning against it.

“Zac, I’ve known about the two of you for years and I never treated you any differently did I?” he said, moving closer so that he could lean against the car next to me. “The answer is no in case you were struggling there.”

Pushing away from the car, I walked away from him so that I could go back inside, making sure that I had everything before I left. When he followed me, I sighed and talked over my shoulder.

“It doesn’t matter anyway, Isaac. There isn’t a ‘two of us.’ I realized too late what it was that he meant to me and that was only because I finally figured out that my hatred I felt toward him was jealousy.”

“Zac,” he said, grabbing hold of me and turning me to look at him. “I am not going to pretend to understand what it is that you feel for him or he feels for you. At first, I was freaked out. Very freaked out and disgusted. But after talking to him and hearing him break down about how he didn’t try to love you, it just happened, I just didn’t have it in me to cause him more pain. We fought a lot in that first year because I knew he was using Julie as a mask to make himself feel normal. He never loved her.”

I frowned at his words, my head dropping because I knew that I was the cause of the pain that he was speaking of. The reason for Taylor’s tears all of those years. 

“He had a funny way of showing that he never loved her. He definitely had me fooled.”

Isaac’s fingers tightened on my arm, digging in so roughly that I actually winced in pain. 

“You listen to me, Zac Hanson. I love you both and as it stands, I am going to lose you both if you don’t quit this fucking shit right now. I’m well aware that for the two of you to find happiness there are things in life that you need to give up. Things that won’t be easy, but you know what? If you’re happy that’s all that matters to me. That is all that has ever mattered to me.”

“I’m not happy, Ike. I haven’t been since the moment he whispered in my ear that he was in love with me after we fucked,” I said harshly. “Moments before I blacked out. And then, I thought maybe I could be happy when he was here. When he looked at me in _that_ way and kissed me like his life depended on it. But then he was gone and I haven’t heard from him since. So no, I’m not happy. So I don’t know what you’re getting at, but you are directing whatever this is at the wrong brother.”

Tearing my arm out of Isaac’s grip, I walked away from him and into my now empty apartment. I paused right inside the door, head falling against the wall and my emotions got the best of me then. Tears started to streak down my cheeks, shoulders shaking as I couldn’t hold back the sobs. 

His strong arms wrapped around me before I knew it, pulling me against his chest. I balled his shirt up into my fists and cried on him as he rubbed my back, whispering soothing words in my ear in his smooth voice. 

“I know where he is, Zac. I came here to take you to him.”

*****

With Isaac’s hand firmly on my lower back, I took a deep breath and rapped my knuckles against the thick wooden door of the small house. Nothing about the outside of the home said Taylor to me at all. It made me nervous as I shifted from foot to foot, waiting for an answer. 

“He’s not here, Ike,” I whined, but my older brother kept his grip on me firmly and didn’t let me move away. 

The door swung open just as I was about to bolt and I suddenly found myself locked in the gaze of his blue eyes. I watched as he looked at me, then Isaac, then back at me and I bit into my lower lip, waiting for him to speak but he didn’t. Instead, it was Isaac that made the first move.

“I lied when I said that I wouldn’t tell anyone where you were,” he said, speaking to Taylor. “I know that you wanted time to get settled. Time to figure things out, but I also know you well enough to know that you’re not going to be settled enough to face this without a push.”

Taylor’s eyes darted from Isaac to me a few more times before they settled on our older brother, his words directed only to him. 

“I really wish that you wouldn’t have done this, Ike.”

“Why?” I blurted out suddenly. “Why did you change your mind? How come I only get glimpses of this deep love you supposedly feel for me and then it is gone? Is this what your idea of love is? Stringing me along as often as you can before dropping me like I’m nothing?”

Taylor’s eyes closed and instead of answering me, he opened the door to the house and walked further inside. It was an invitation to go in, but I hesitated. Isaac, however, didn’t and pushed me across the threshhold. 

Even though the outside of the home didn’t at all give away who lived there the inside screamed Taylor. Everything I knew and loved about him was right there. It smelled like cinnamon and cloves, splashes of red in the decorating. Framed photographs of landscapes that I knew he had captured himself. A discarded mug on the coffee table beside a crossword puzzle that was only partially filled in. He never had the patience to do a full one even though I knew he was intelligent enough deep down.

It was obvious to me that he hadn’t just moved in to this place. No, it had been here for quite some time. It was too _lived_ in to be a recent acquisition. How and when had this happened? Confusion had to have been written all over my face and when I stepped fully into the living room and turned, that confusion gave way to shock. 

Right in front of me was a photo collage that took up a good portion of the wall. Artistically designed, every photograph where it was for a reason. Drawing me in, I stepped closer and reached out, afraid to touch it but helpless to stop myself. The photos were all of me. Of us together. 

“I bought this place years ago,” he started to explain. “When we got our inheritance money when Grandma died, this is what I did with it. I needed a place that I could escape to. A place to hide. A place where I felt it was okay to let my feelings show.”

When I turned to look at him, I glanced around the room and noticed that Isaac was gone and we were standing there alone. I stayed silent because he didn’t look like he was done speaking. 

“I had dreams of someday living here with you. Weekend long fantasies where I would tell everyone that I had to go out of town on a business trip, but instead I came here. A safe place where loving you was okay and no one would judge me for it. Where you wouldn’t judge me.”

“I didn’t judge you.”

“Yes, you did, Zac. You didn’t see your face when it all came back to you. You didn’t see the way you were looking at me. I’ve never felt so ashamed of my body in that moment. Never felt so ashamed of who I am as I did when you looked at me,” he admitted.

“But Tay, I told you that I’m in love with you. You said you’d give up everything for me if I said it and I did. I told you I needed you and you just abandoned me,” I said, getting upset in the moment. “You say all of these things about how I made you feel but I’m right here. I was standing right there in front of you and you walked away from me.”

His eyes clouded over for a moment, fixated on a point over my shoulder that I couldn’t see. There was a blankness in his expression that made me want to shake him back to reality. Made me want to make him answer me. To explain himself.

“When I told her that I couldn’t marry her, she knew immediately. The first words out of her mouth were that it was because of you. Apparently, I talk in my sleep and never knew. So when I came back from Vegas and told her it was over, she put two and two together,” he said softly, moving away from me to sit on the couch, dropping his head into his hands. 

“She knows about us?”

“She knows enough. I didn’t give her specifics. She told me some of the things I said in my sleep and how she had been willing to overlook them because she loved me and thought it was just something stupid,” he paused, looking up at me. “The look she gave me. It was the same one you did that morning. The absolute disgust. I can’t get it out of my head.”

Slowly, I moved to sit beside him on the couch, sinking down into the cushions as his words really absorbed into my brain. Not only did Isaac and Carissa know that something was going on but Julie did also. I trusted Isaac, but the other two could expose us at any time. Julie especially.

“Is she going to tell the family? Did she tell them?”

“No. We came to an agreement.”

“What was the agreement?” I asked, afraid to know the answer.

“That I would disappear and never come back.”

“But, what good does that do her? I don’t understand. Why would she want that?”

He sighed heavily, tugging at the soft strands of his hair as he did. “It was my suggestion. She got to spin the story however she wanted. Keep the ring. Get all of the sympathy. Paint me out to be whatever she wished. Plus, deep down she knew that if I could never go home, I’d never be able to be with you.”

I grasped for his face and turned it toward me so that I could look into his eyes. “What does home have to do with me? I don’t live at home. I stopped going to family functions to avoid you and her. Why does you agreeing to disappear and never come back have to include disappearing from me?”

“Because I’m not going to make mom and dad lose another child, okay? If you and I are together you can’t ever go home again, Zac. You could never tell them where you were. They could never come visit,” he said, his tone even as though he was trying to make me understand that he had done this for me.

“I don’t care.”

Taylor shook his head firmly and stood up when he heard my words, putting one hand on his hip and the other through his hair. 

“No, I’m not going to let you do it Zac. I didn’t want you knowing where I was because I knew that you wouldn’t think something like that through. I refuse to do this. I refuse to let _you_ do this. I won’t let you make a decision that means you never get to go home again. This is my fault not your own. I put myself in this position and I have to live with it.”

“But you ARE making my decision for me. A decision that would keep me from going home because YOU are home, Taylor. My life has felt so fucked up since you kissed me that night. So fucked up because it meant losing you. It took me fucking forever to figure out why and that’s because the one thing in life that kept me grounded was gone and that is you. So fuck you if you think that you get to make my decisions for me. Seriously. Fucking fuck you. It’s MY life and if you don’t want to be with me, fine. Say it. But don’t you dare try to make this into you sacrificing something for me.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying, Zac.”

“I do know what I’m saying. Do you even know how many times I’ve gotten physically sick over the thought of you? The thought of being WITHOUT you? If I could even begin to put into words the way it felt to walk into this house and suddenly be surrounded by you, I would, but I can’t because I’m not good with words,” I said, raising my voice. “I don’t know how to say it. All I know is that I would follow you anywhere because you’re the only thing in life that has ever felt right to me. Even when it wasn’t romantic you have been there every step of the way. Every damn good moment in my life has included YOU. So don’t tell me that I don’t know what I’m saying or what I feel.”

When I was finished, I was panting hard, my skin red from the exertion and tears pricking at my eyes. I felt like I was so close, yet still so far away. I didn’t know how he could so easily just walk away from it all with no intention of telling me where he was. No explanation. Just silence. 

“If you tell me you don’t love me and you don’t want to ever see me again I will leave,” I said, my voice a mere whisper, afraid of his answer.

After yet another long silence, he finally raised his eyes to look at me. “You know I can’t tell you that.”

“Then I’m not going anywhere, Taylor.”

We were in a house in a town that barely had its own zip code. Where the streets were numbered instead of named. In a place where we had to give up our past in order to look toward the future. I should have been scared but I wasn’t. I’d never been more sure of anything in my life. 

This time, I was the one that closed the gap between us. I was the one initiating the kiss. I was the one making the first move so that there was no denying that I was fully aware of what was happening. It was also the first time we’d ever kissed when we were both stone cold sober. And the best I’d ever felt in my entire life. 

I was finally home.


End file.
